this is an excerpt from my memoir
it's a work in progress
it's called

SHITHEADS

"I think that you are full of shit."
"What?" Christian distracted himself with the menu of a trendy bistro. "Oh, okay" kind of leaked out of his mouth as Charles's statement sank in.
"I think that you are full of shit and you are a fucking lunatic." The pitch and overall intent of the words were consistent with Charles's neutral facial expression, but not with the words themselves.
"I know, I heard you," and he had.
"Oops." Charles's cheeks flushed for some reason. He put his fingers near his mouth. He discreetly looked at his armpits.
"What would you folks like tonight?" The waiter's cheerful facial expression didn't belie his stealth.
"I'm tired," thought Charles, but instead he said "I want a goddamn centipede." The waiter nodded and wrote it down on his hand. Christian turned into an alien and said something in an alien language and the waiter wrote it down too. Then the waiter turned into an alien.
"Turn into an alien or I'll kill you" said an alien who was walking by.
"I think that you are full of shit." The alien's feelings were hurt and he turned back into a poodle or something. Christian alien guy also turned normal.
Charles looked at Christian, and noticed that he had little bits of dandruff in his eyebrows. He wondered if the dandruff was eyebrow dandruff or head dandruff that fell into Christian's eyebrows. Charles wondered what would happen if dandruff was alien shit, and then an alien was taking a shit on Christian's head. Charles looked away. There was alien shit on Christian's head when he looked back, and also on his eyebrows. Charles didn't know if the alien had shitted directly onto Christian's eyebrows or if he had taken a shit on his head and it dripped down.
"Hey here's your food, bye." kind of fell out of the waiter's mouth like lower case letters and he set down a plate of waffles for the two rascals.
"Thank you" said an elderly woman who was talking on the phone.
"You're welcome" said the phone; Charles was on the phone with the elderly woman. The waiter had three faces now. They all had the same mouth, which continued around the whole head. Christian would have wondered what would happen if the waiter opened his mouth, but he had an alien on his head and he was also pretty tired. The waiter's left face wore a very grim facial expression and grunted. The other faces didn't do anything.